To the many requests for results of the latest scan, I have been saying, "No news is good news." I think Van was wanting me to call, just to check, but I was figuring that if there was anything I needed to know, they would tell me. Yesterday, we met with the radiation oncologist, Dr. Gillis, and I was right! There is no spread of cancer, and it appears that the radiation is working. There were three sites being radiated, two of them involving nodes. One of them appears to be totally clear; the other is barely visible. The third site is a mass which is fuzzy, indicating that it is breaking up and seems to be smaller already. The next scan, in July or August, will be a better indication of the results of the treatment. It also seems clear that the sternum fracture is healing. Van and I celebrated with breakfast at the Main Street Coffee Company, tucked in an unlikely neighborhood in Redwood City. One wouldn't want their old-fashioned hearty breakfasts everyday, but it is fun every once in a while. (Google it for more description).
I am thanking the Powers That Be on a daily basis for evidence-based medicine and for my trust and faith in the power of Right Thought (and prayers), my own and the stream surrounding me from all of you.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Fifth Week of Waiting
The big event of this week was a reunion with my old friend and colleague, Glenn Olf, and his wife, Jeanne Ewy. Glenn and I worked together for many years doing couples therapy and facilitating groups. During my stint at Midpeninsula Health Service, Jeanne was Executive Director (my boss). I grew up professionally during the years that Glenn and I were partners, and I am indebted to him for his role in helping me see myself more clearly. That was an exciting time in my personal history. Working at MHS with Jeanne, I could follow my intent as a social worker to be on the forefront of social change, particularly in health care. They were also years of transition from wanting to save the world to realizing that the only life I could save was my own. There is something reassuring about these re-connections, a comforting sense of continuity. Perhaps this harvest season of life is a time of gathering the fruits of a lifetime of sowing and cultivating. It is gratifying that there is a sense of bounty, in spite of the droughts and devastations of fate, and the neglect and wrongdoings of unconsciousness.
Somebody, this week, referred to "ever since you got sick", meaning ME! It was jarring, because I don't think of myself as "sick." Perhaps it's because of my upbringing in Christian Science, or perhaps it's because, while I am a person who has cancer, there is more of me, as that person, than the sickness. Couldn't the spirit be healthy, even if the cancer were to ravage the body? My personal bible would include the following parable:
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people.
He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves'
inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,
generosity, truth, compassion and
faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then
asked his grandfather:
Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
Somebody, this week, referred to "ever since you got sick", meaning ME! It was jarring, because I don't think of myself as "sick." Perhaps it's because of my upbringing in Christian Science, or perhaps it's because, while I am a person who has cancer, there is more of me, as that person, than the sickness. Couldn't the spirit be healthy, even if the cancer were to ravage the body? My personal bible would include the following parable:
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people.
He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves'
inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,
generosity, truth, compassion and
faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then
asked his grandfather:
Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
Friday, May 7, 2010
Fourth Week of Waiting
Indeed, the weather turned beautiful again, the roses are busting out all over, and Van is back, recovering from jet lag. Last Friday, I attended a celebration honoring the publication of C.G. Jung's "Red Book" (writings and illustrations representing his inner images - a kind of magnificent journal). The talks were very interesting, but the highlight for me was an all-too-brief reconnection with my friend Bonnie, whom I met in graduate school and is now a Jungian analyst. Ours is a tried and true friendship of many, many years, during which we would have periods of close association, separated by years of little contact. The sharing over the years of the joys and pains of our lives has created a sturdy bond that stays strong, even through the years of separation. One of the gifts of my confrontation with mortality is the experience of exquisite sweet affection that wells up in the presence of these people so dear to me.
Therefore, I was surprised to find myself feeling low the next day. A little inner dialogue revealed a sadness over the losses that come with aging. Bonnie is in her 60's - the most glorious decade of my life. I don't like the feeling of being left behind, but I'm no longer interested in trying to keep up, either. These thoughts were interrupted by a call to son John about going over the next day to Susan's (John's wife) open studio in Benicia. Very quickly, plans developed that included son Peter and Denise, grandson Holden and Courtney. It felt like divine intervention, bringing me quickly back to where I am, and who I am. I was talking with my granddaughter, Jesse, shortly after her daddy died, about her feelings. She said, "Oh, Nanny, it's like the clouds come over the sun from time to time, and then they drift away, and there's the sun again."
The sun was shining brightly the next day as we headed over to the East Bay to join the family at Susan's studio in Benicia. Her work is inspired, creative and varied. Currently, she is involved with interior design, creating amazing decorative surfaces for floors, walls, counters, using unusual techniques and materials. Her artistic sense is so natural to her that I wonder if she even realizes how talented she is.
I'm later than I had intended in posting this - my train of thought was interrupted by a call scheduling the CT Scan that I was questioning. I understand, now, that it is intended to see if the cancer has traveled anywhere else. Van heard me making the appointment - "it's a nail biter, isn't it", he said. When I told Helen, she said, " Oh, that will be reassuring, won't it." I think I'll go with the theme of reassurance, although you can imagine me waiting and wondering. I'll let you know as soon as I know - keep the good thoughts coming.
Indeed, the weather turned beautiful again, the roses are busting out all over, and Van is back, recovering from jet lag. Last Friday, I attended a celebration honoring the publication of C.G. Jung's "Red Book" (writings and illustrations representing his inner images - a kind of magnificent journal). The talks were very interesting, but the highlight for me was an all-too-brief reconnection with my friend Bonnie, whom I met in graduate school and is now a Jungian analyst. Ours is a tried and true friendship of many, many years, during which we would have periods of close association, separated by years of little contact. The sharing over the years of the joys and pains of our lives has created a sturdy bond that stays strong, even through the years of separation. One of the gifts of my confrontation with mortality is the experience of exquisite sweet affection that wells up in the presence of these people so dear to me.
Therefore, I was surprised to find myself feeling low the next day. A little inner dialogue revealed a sadness over the losses that come with aging. Bonnie is in her 60's - the most glorious decade of my life. I don't like the feeling of being left behind, but I'm no longer interested in trying to keep up, either. These thoughts were interrupted by a call to son John about going over the next day to Susan's (John's wife) open studio in Benicia. Very quickly, plans developed that included son Peter and Denise, grandson Holden and Courtney. It felt like divine intervention, bringing me quickly back to where I am, and who I am. I was talking with my granddaughter, Jesse, shortly after her daddy died, about her feelings. She said, "Oh, Nanny, it's like the clouds come over the sun from time to time, and then they drift away, and there's the sun again."
The sun was shining brightly the next day as we headed over to the East Bay to join the family at Susan's studio in Benicia. Her work is inspired, creative and varied. Currently, she is involved with interior design, creating amazing decorative surfaces for floors, walls, counters, using unusual techniques and materials. Her artistic sense is so natural to her that I wonder if she even realizes how talented she is.
I'm later than I had intended in posting this - my train of thought was interrupted by a call scheduling the CT Scan that I was questioning. I understand, now, that it is intended to see if the cancer has traveled anywhere else. Van heard me making the appointment - "it's a nail biter, isn't it", he said. When I told Helen, she said, " Oh, that will be reassuring, won't it." I think I'll go with the theme of reassurance, although you can imagine me waiting and wondering. I'll let you know as soon as I know - keep the good thoughts coming.
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