First Weekly Report While Waiting

With all the distractions of my life, I'm not really aware that I'm “waiting.” Van left, with some ambivalence, for China on Wednesday, reassured that I'd be O.K. because Jeff (my gardening pal and surrogate son from Seattle) was to arrive on Friday. Jeff's presence alone is healing, and working in the garden, especially with Jeff, has always been good for my soul. He got here early enough to go for a Dish walk (for those of you who are not local, we call the satellite that sits way up in the open space above Stanford, “The Dish.”) It was the first time I'd been up there since my diagnosis. I took it slowly with walking sticks and camelback (for water), not as easy as it used to be, but the exercise felt great. Also this week, I went back to riding my bike to work, and that feels so good.

Yesterday (Saturday), we went plant shopping at a very interesting nursery in South San Francisco – The Flora Grub – and brought lots of treasures home to plant in my garden. Today it's raining, good for the garden but not inviting us to work in it. Except for a walk around Lake Lagunita (started with a little sun, but ending with a good soaking), Jeff and I are hanging out – he's working on a design project and I'm finishing my to-do list for the weekend.

Thanks for all your ongoing support – Cousin Brigie continues to stop into the temples in Taiwan to offer up prayers; Virginia sent a Medicine Buddha, as an assist to Tinkerbell; Grace is wondering what happened to this week's blog update, as is Laurel. I am quite surprised and touched by people's interest in this unfolding, rather ordinary story. It certainly is helping me, so I shall continue to write weekly updates during this waiting period.

My First Photo Blog!

Here's the photo story of my last treatment:

(1) standing by my 'Healing Machine'

(2) going in for very last treatment (32 in all!)

(3) with 'Team Yosemite', Adella & Nate

(4) on the way out the door to celebrate!

The Sixth – and Last - Week

My, that went fast! As one of my friends said, I am now Radiant. I have a “CERTIFICATE OF COMPLETION, Given this 2^nd Day of April, 2010.” As with all graduations, the relief is mixed with the sadness that comes with endings. I've always had difficulty with “It's Over.” It helped today that my friend Helen was there to take pictures and go out afterwards for a celebratory coffee.

This week, I felt a little more fatigued than I have before, so I welcomed the several rides that were offered and the company of these great friends. I was not too tired, though, to take a lovely walk last Sunday with my sister Portia. She brought me a Prayer Plant – yes, that is the name of it -- how could I not be O.K. with the people in my life coming up with such thoughtful support? I have a lovely collection of heartwarming cards, letters, emails, and a bunch of beautiful lilacs on my kitchen table.

Now the waiting begins – three months for the unseen work of the radiation to be completed. Tinkerbell will be very busy, sweeping up dead cells, maybe working a little magic. Then we'll see what happened in there. Dr. Canales, the team leader, wants to do a CT scan after six weeks, just to check progress, I guess, but we won't have a final result until after two to three months.

As the first chapter of this story comes to an end, I'm reminded of my childhood love affair with Christopher Robin, who was described at the end of his Measles Drama (quite a story – look it up in Now We Are Six) as follows:

"Christopher Robin woke up in the morning,

The measles had vanished away.

And the look in his eye

Seemed to say to the sky,

Now, how to amuse them today?”

Stay tuned - we'll see...

Week Five!

Only one more week to go – hard to believe. I will have mixed emotions, though, at graduation, because it will also be the end of my association with the great people at Oyster Point who have shepherded me through this, particularly Adella, Justin, and Nate, my techs. My friend Bobbie accompanied me one day this week and, as I got my gown and blanket out of the cupboard, she said, “Like a spa”- an image that really captures the feeling of the place.

Still no side-effects to speak of, although Nate did notice today that my back is showing some effects of the burning. I never thought to look at my back! I thought the radiation was all through the front of the chest. I've been a little more fatigued the last couple of days, but I think I just need a little more sleep. I'm seeing Faith (Breath therapist and healer) regularly, as I did ten years ago with the breast cancer radiation, and I credit that work for much of these serendipitous results.

That's not all, though. My treasured friend, Jim Welch, has offered all along to play me a personal concert of the organ music of J.S. Bach. As many of you know, I grew up surrounded by this music (my Dad was a professional organist), and it is soul food for me. I'm a believer in the advice of one of my mentors: “Try and listen to at least a little Bach every day – it can have a profound effect on one's thought process and sense of well-being.” This morning, after the treatment, I drove right to St Mark's in Palo Alto where I spent a glorious hour listening to toccatas, preludes, fugues, sonatas. He ended with an all time favorite of mine, the Toccata in F Major, after which I always feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

Breath, music, friends, family, good medical care delivered in a healing environment – it's a recipe for well-being, no matter what the circumstances.

P.S. For those of you interested in the nutrition and cooking workshop mentioned last week, check out my friend Annabelle's blog, annabellesbigadventure.blogspot.com

End of the Fourth Week

Can it be? Is it four weeks already? Still no dreaded side effects, although this past week was a stretch.

For the first time since I was 3 years old, I slept for 10 hours! My take-away from this week, therefore, is that I need to get more sleep on a daily basis, and I need to start the re-org to free up Mondays again. Because of radiation schedule demands, I had started working a bit on Mondays, normally a non-work, discretionary-time-for-Barbara day. I miss it terribly. So physically, I'm doing pretty well, but I think I may be regressing psychologically as these old patterns re-emerge, i.e., the “too much to do” syndrome.

I asked my doc if she thought the treatment was happening, since I don't feel much different, last week notwithstanding. She assured me that it is, and reminded me that it's not over yet, and that, even after treatment ends, there could be residue. This week, Van and I attended a great “Orientation to Radiology” program at the Oyster Point facility. I have a better understanding of what is happening and how – pretty amazing.

Yesterday, at the instigation of my wonderful daughter-in-law, Susan,* who accompanied me, I went to a workshop on “The Cancer-Fighting Kitchen.” It was sponsored by the organization, Healing Journeys, and presented by Rebecca Katz (chef) and Jeanne Wallace (nutritionist). Much of what they talked about is good nutritional advice for all of us, but the focus was on particular nutritional strategies to complement cancer care. Another blessing at the presentation was the opportunity, over a delicious, healthy lunch, to share cancer stories with a couple of other women, most of which were about what what we're GETTING out of this experience – the silver linings. At the least, I'm learning to cook and to blog - that is the least, the most being the deepening relationships with friends, new and old, and with my blessed family.

*Susan's mother died two years ago of lung cancer. Her mother's journey was truly amazing – she lived two and a half years beyond her prognosis of 6 months by engaging fully in her life and availing herself of all the healing resources possible. Susan cooked for her and was introduced to Rebecca Katz at that time.

End of the Third Week

This is the end of the third week. I'm half done, hard to believe that it is going so fast. I still feel fine, have my appetite and no problems eating. Several people have accompanied me to a treatment and been introduced to my techs, the beautiful healing machine made by Varian, my doc, nurse, fellow patients, etc. We get a chance to schmooze all the way up and back. I'm already looking forward to preserving the time for myself that I now spend on treatments.

Van leaves for China right after we celebrate the end of radiation. Right after Van leaves, our surrogate son, Jeff, is coming down from Seattle to do some work in this area, and he will stay with us. He and I always have a great time, talking, walking, watching movies, gardening, cooking, eating, philosophizing. So there is lots to look forward to as well as lots to appreciate in the moment.

My plan is to report in at the end of each week from here on out. I'll send a short email in addition to reporting on the blog.

The Second Week

I've completed the Second Week now, and still feel very much like myself. The first couple of days, I was a little fatigued with having to get up so early to drive to the Kaiser Cancer Center at Oyster Point for my early morning appointment and, at the same time I was cutting off the caffeine, I go right on to work from the treatment but have a little down time to eat, rest, and prepare for the work day. At the end of my treatment today (Friday, 3/5), they told me to rest well this weekend – side effects usually start now, mainly fatigue, and, for me, possible trouble swallowing and eating. We'll see...

The Kaiser Oyster Point Cancer Treatment Facility is extraordinary. Every person working there is welcoming, friendly, helpful, supportive – doctors, nurses, techs, dieticians, receptionists, admins, - it makes for a truly healing environment. The process is superbly efficient and well-organized as well as flexible – if one arrives early, or late, they are easily accommodated. Since we are all assigned regular times for treatment, we have our own little radiate-mate groups, and follow one another's progress. My good friend Helen took me the other day, and everyone went out of their way to welcome her. The techs offered a tour of the radiation room and equipment, and she went in to see the doc with me (Wednesday is “Doctor's Day”, when everybody touches base with their doctor.) It's possible that I may welcome some help getting there if these promised side effects manifest, so others of you may have the opportunity to see it for yourselves.

I'll “graduate” the first or second week in April. Then comes the waiting – two or three months later, I'll have the tests to determine the state of the tumors. Maybe they will be shrinking, or at least contained. I'm working on getting rid of them – many sources recommend visualizing some sort of violent action against the bad guys (cancer cells). Being an advocate of non-violence, this wasn't working for me, but I did discover that imagining Tinkerbell (“Believe, just believe!), sleeping inside me and waking up as the rays start to penetrate, using her wand to hasten the death of dying cells (putting them out of their misery), and then sweeping up the dead cells and throwing them into the waste stream – that works for me.