Update from Van for Wednesday 3/23

It's mid-morning of March 23, and I haven't posted for a couple of days. Barbara remains in the holding pattern of recent days--comfortable and composed most of the time, drowsy or sleeping a good deal, lucid and present when she's awake. Each day has also had its moments of low vitality when she and we thought the end might be imminent, but then she sleeps, opens her eyes, smiles, and talks to us.

Update from Van for Saturday 3/19/11

Today's landscape was very similar to that the of the last few: concerns early in the day about why she can't seem finally to let go; then dear friends, members of the extended family; music, laughter, and of course tears. For much of the day, Barbara was amazingly responsive and on point. Now, late Saturday evening, she's resting quietly.

PLEASE NOTE: Unless there are significant changes, I may not blog every day. If a day, or even two, is missing, know that we are all still here, much as before. When there are important changes, I will let you know (thanks to Laurel) by blog and email.

Update from Van for Friday 3/18/11

The vigil continues. The day began with another walk to the edge and then back again. The rest of the day was one of serenity and pain-free alertness, interspersed with pleasant naps, music, reading aloud. She smiled a lot, softly and gently. She's beautiful.

Update from Van 3/17/11

We're all still here. Her sister Portia brought helium balloons in various shades of green, in honor of St. Patrick. Likewise, Joanie left a shamrock with tiny flowers. Having got rid of the snakes, the good Saint should have gone after cancer. Once again, Barbara seemed to herself and to us very close to the end. She spoke several times of wanting to let go, even asking--once only--if she could be given something to overcome consciousness. And once again, she seems to have retreated from that edge. How far and for how long, no one can say. On the basis of vital signs and lucidity, Angie guesses that a day or two--or even longer--is possible. So is death at any time; meanwhile she waits calmly and without pain in its anteroom. Eros is resisting thanatos and, though thanatos will ultimately prevail, eros is no pushover.

Update from Van 3/17/11

Yesterday (March 16) was a fairly calm, mellow day. Having John and Betsey here is deeply comforting to Barbara and deeply helpful to me--in so many ways on so many levels. There were more visitors, but appropriately fewer than the day before. Her sister Portia was here all day and into the evening. At one point, Barbara said softly to me, "I should be leaving, but I can't let go--I just can't." And then, the line of the day: Portia was sitting at her bedside, working a crossword puzzle. I came in and asked how things were going. Portia said, "Well, she got three words that had me stumped." They were (1) the French word for soul (âme), (2) Beethoven's only opera (Fidelio), and (3) a 19th century violin virtuoso (Paganini). "Wow", I said, thoroughly impressed, "that's terrific!" Barbara smiled that small smile of hers and,ˆ with just a little slurring, said, "Van didn't marry no dummy." Laughter ensued.

Update from Van 3/16/11

Barbara approached the edge yesterday (Tuesday), then drew back. She awoke with the sense that very little time was left to her, and with joy that most of the family was here, but she was deeply concerned that Betsey might not arrive in time. Hospice helped us see to her general physical comfort, and Betsey was able to book an earlier flight, which Barbara Toothman generously met, but still she did not arrive until late evening. Meanwhile, many family and friends came by for varying lengths of time, to say hello and, perhaps, goodbye. Music was played, food was consumed. Tears and laughter. Pictures were taken. March 15 was also our son John's birthday, so his wife Susan brought a cake with candles. More pictures were taken. If a moment can be filled with a sense of profound impending loss and, at the same time, a feeling of celebration and love, then this was that moment. Betsey arrived, and Barbara's heart was eased.

After everyone left, she slept comfortably, if episodically, and this morning, she seems almost as though the brinkmanship of yesterday never happened. She's relaxed and awake, sometimes completely lucid, sometimes kind of dreamy and drifty, not in pain we can't control. More music and laughter. Some who could not come yesterday will come today. Kathy Perl, her harpsichord teacher plans to play for her today, a special one-on-one house concert. It is not without prescience that Barbara's blog is called "what wants to happen." Stay tuned, in tune.

Joyful visit from baby Loden

I think perhaps the highpoint of Barbara's day so far was a visit by Loden (of course she was also happy to see his parents, Tenzin & Angie). Barbara sat up, lit up, and was clearly delighted! "Such an adorable baby, baby, baby....." She held Loden's hand, and was very happy.

Laurel