When I returned from work Tuesday evening, there was a message that Dr Gillis had called and would call back the next morning at 8AM. My heart skipped a beat. I hadn't expected to hear about Monday's scan so soon. At first, I was thinking that maybe she wanted to let me know quickly that the radiation had shrunk the tumors, and all was well, but Van said, no, in fact she had indicated that there were some areas of concern. Disturbing dreams; wide awake at 5AM; dressed and ready for the call which came at 8:10. The good news that, indeed the original tumors were greatly reduced was overshadowed by the “areas of concern:” several new spots of cancer, one on the pelvis, one on the rib, and two more above the heart, all small, but nevertheless, indicating that the cancer is spreading. Hard to hear; glad Van was listening in - I've had to keep asking, now what exactly did she say? She did go on to say that there are treatments, and that Dr. Canales will be prepared to outline the possibilities at my appointment with her on September 10th.
Helen, with whom I was supposed to meet that morning, was waiting for my call to say what time I'd be ready. “I might as well go on with my day as usual...I'll be there abut 9:15.” So that's what I'm doing – going on with my life as usual – so strange, everything's changed and nothing's changed. The last two days I've spent getting used to being a person with a chronic illness. I'm sure there will be treatments, lasting one, two, maybe more, years. I'll let you know what I find out about that next week – that's why this is “an interim report.” I'll also continue with the other three chapters of our wonderful trip, since several of you have been asking. My thoughts are full right now of all the things I want to do, a kind of bucket list, I guess. Not a bad thing, having time to indulge in the gifts of life, with full knowledge that it is going to end. Already, the sights as I ride my bike to work are more vivid, the people I meet are dearer, the experience of it all, sweeter. I don't know if this heightened awareness can last – I'll keep you posted...
Dearest Barbara- So you are continuing Baraba's excellent adventure, even though there is some fog on the road and perhaps a storm or 2 ahead of you and Van. Your approach to this part of your life journey will be with me for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short that may be.
ReplyDeleteI went to the "Birth of Impressionism" exhibit yesterday. In amongst the paintings was one I would have purchased for myself, had it been on the market and had I possessed vast wealth: The Magpie by Monet. When I saw it I was filled with the same sense of peace, quiet joy, and calm as I had been many years ago on Wisconsin winter morning when I was the only one awake and out in my yard. Your expression of "dearer, vivid and sweeter" made me remember the painting and the morning.
As one of my friends said, you've hit a bumpy patch in the raod. My dear Renee and I will hold you in our hearts as you move along this patch. Love, leslie