Barbara's Excellent Adventure

Fourth Week of Waiting

Indeed, the weather turned beautiful again, the roses are busting out all over, and Van is back, recovering from jet lag. Last Friday, I attended a celebration honoring the publication of C.G. Jung's "Red Book" (writings and illustrations representing his inner images - a kind of magnificent journal). The talks were very interesting, but the highlight for me was an all-too-brief reconnection with my friend Bonnie, whom I met in graduate school and is now a Jungian analyst. Ours is a tried and true friendship of many, many years, during which we would have periods of close association, separated by years of little contact. The sharing over the years of the joys and pains of our lives has created a sturdy bond that stays strong, even through the years of separation. One of the gifts of my confrontation with mortality is the experience of exquisite sweet affection that wells up in the presence of these people so dear to me.

Therefore, I was surprised to find myself feeling low the next day. A little inner dialogue revealed a sadness over the losses that come with aging. Bonnie is in her 60's - the most glorious decade of my life. I don't like the feeling of being left behind, but I'm no longer interested in trying to keep up, either. These thoughts were interrupted by a call to son John about going over the next day to Susan's (John's wife) open studio in Benicia. Very quickly, plans developed that included son Peter and Denise, grandson Holden and Courtney. It felt like divine intervention, bringing me quickly back to where I am, and who I am. I was talking with my granddaughter, Jesse, shortly after her daddy died, about her feelings. She said, "Oh, Nanny, it's like the clouds come over the sun from time to time, and then they drift away, and there's the sun again."

The sun was shining brightly the next day as we headed over to the East Bay to join the family at Susan's studio in Benicia. Her work is inspired, creative and varied. Currently, she is involved with interior design, creating amazing decorative surfaces for floors, walls, counters, using unusual techniques and materials. Her artistic sense is so natural to her that I wonder if she even realizes how talented she is.

I'm later than I had intended in posting this - my train of thought was interrupted by a call scheduling the CT Scan that I was questioning. I understand, now, that it is intended to see if the cancer has traveled anywhere else. Van heard me making the appointment - "it's a nail biter, isn't it", he said. When I told Helen, she said, " Oh, that will be reassuring, won't it." I think I'll go with the theme of reassurance, although you can imagine me waiting and wondering. I'll let you know as soon as I know - keep the good thoughts coming.